Coaching as Transformational Dialogue: Nick Bolton

thank you good evening so first of all happy new year and I just wanted to do a little bit of a check-in who has got no idea who I am whatsoever you thinking who's that guy at the front okay one at the back she's an employee so she doesn't count a few of you okay so and actually you all know me that we Northey all right guys well in that case I don't need to introduce myself because literally everybody just for the hand that was just being naughty so so so thank you much I'm glad you're here and this if you know me you know this is a theme I've been speaking about for some time which is in a sense the transition of our profession to one of coaching stroke task orientation stroke progress stroke success stroke call it whatever you will to a much more transformational space for dialogue and for self understanding and self-actualization and so through the course of this evening I would like to introduce you to some ideas that I've been having for the last I don't know five years or so which I began to really percolate through the Animus system now as a result of them percolating through the anime system many will be familiar with to you you're pretty much have gone like yeah yeah what's what's on you about this believe me it's relatively new in the coaching world even if for you might feel somewhat familiar what I would like to do there was deepen our thoughts around it deepen our understanding around what do we mean by transformational dialogue and why could it dialogue rather than transformational coaching you know if you've engaged with us in our school you'd have done a course called the Diploma transformational coaching what an earth is Nick doing changing the dialogue does this mean my my certificate no longer counts for anything of course it does you know coach is a first step towards towards gathering a set of skills that enable you to work with a bunch of people in a particular way dialogue takes out a little step further and I think you know the journey and I see most coaches going on is they shift from a process driven approach called coaching to a dialogic process and over the course of the years of practice you start to be with your clients in a way that's absolutely unique and authentic to you rather than based and predicated upon things you learnt in our school that doesn't mean those things that have influence they don't they become part your DNA but you're not practicing what we teach anymore you're being yourself with a set of new skills but most of all with a human being so I just want to share a little bit of a caveat to start off with if this thing works which it clearly is not going to from my team guys I don't expect you to but from my team who likes me a PowerPoint slave tonight Joe give junior Adam applause so today I'm just gonna give if you can see me I'm gonna give you a little nod okay can you see me all right so actually I just put these through like quite speedy just click them through go for a junior and time so basically this presentation it's unclear is poorly planned it's not relevant at all it's not original it's unattractively rational something that often gets leveled at me and I totally agree and finally it's not even true so I'm going to turn my back I'm going to turn my back if I'm going to literally stand here on this spot for wrestling I'm gonna turn my back for two seconds and if you guys want to leave the room based on this set of caveats I wouldn't blame you however date just shove on for a second to the next slide I don't talk about what's good about this talk I hope and just go through AJ and we'll see we can figure this PowerPoint malarkey out as we go it's totally clear it's utterly irrelevant it's fresh and it's vibrant it's rational yes it's rational it's based on years 18 years of experience amoeba Nakota finally it's spot-on and accurately describes your experience how can those two be true answer me that coaches paradox interesting thanks Livie I insisted that yes thank you great what else perspective great and anything else perception mood great and also its relevance to you there were some people in this room I guarantee he'll listen to me talk from the next down you're like well it wasn't nice to see my mates from animus but that was a pretty much a waste of time intellectually that's okay that's okay it might be and there is some of you who say God I totally get that resonates with my experience it doesn't feel new to me he's not talking anything new but it totally resonates with my experience I've been a coach and being a practitioner of this thing we call coaching so over the course of this next hour what I love to do is have that conversation with you and you can decide what it means to you like I am NOT here to give you some truth that's fixed in stone that somehow you have to adopt as a as a predicate for your practice no this is a set of ideas that I've sort of grown into over the course the last 18 years in specifically over the last five years I'd say but I feel like a feel truth to me but they're not true in and of themselves so I just want to lay that as a bit of a caveat now Jay mr mr

power post slave and just Chuck that is really annoying isn't it what if I could step back a bit that helps but then I block your picture so and Jane just do the next bit this is a little bit of an exercise for you guys as we try to sort out some techie issues at the front here if another of you guys to read that if there was no coaching rulebook and I talked about this at the summits or didn't know about how we need to break the rules if we're going to move our profession on if there were no coaching rulebook how would you really be with your client if I wasn't looking if animus wasn't looking if the ICF wasn't looking at Rob didn't that was beady eye on you through your webcam yes he does if all those things weren't true and you were just being the way you wanted to be how would you really be with your clients I won't be super duper honest they'll have a chat with your neighbor just for a couple of minutes and I want to hear from some of you what your thoughts are go for it thank you thank you very thank you very much thank you very much guys thank you wonderful so we've got it fixed what happened is they given us exactly the same clicker so I picked up theirs instead of my own perspective you see so yeah your slavery days are over go so let me have a little bit of feedback and you might need to raise your voice on like meeting so casually just use the microphone at the front here but you might need to raise your voice like a hero so who would like to share their thoughts on what you would really be like and if we're going to say is the way I am and wonderful so who would like to share be brave yes really know the rules I was coaching you in Swat Wow very good you finally know the questions I was like no yeah so I think that was one of thanks I think that's why Mary is really sort of celebrating my clients achievement okay sometimes I just feel like yeah yeah for me it's just the experience of people sharing something and having had somebody that me failure about you doing that giving advice tell me about giving advice what do you love to give advice on if you could everything okay I'm precisely great thank you thank you very much hey my nose Camilo take a couple more yes at the middle there yeah yeah what's your name Taylor hi Taylor yes great I'd say that we're always stroking them but we are every time we say hello every time I say goodbye every time we said anything to them we're stoking them stroking as an act of recognition that's all now the question is what's driving the way you're recognizing them and that's what we'll explore tonight is what's going on between you that either makes it useful or not useful what's been satisfied your own compulsion or then need the relationship or yourself and those are those some of the things we'll explore through this evening thank you and let me take one more if there's a yes charlie nice yeah yeah yeah okay that's such a great one for me to end on before I'm start like presentation because I think if we even as a profession think that's breaking the rules then we're broken right if we think that naming an elephant in the room is breaking the rules there's something problematic with our profession now whether that's because of animus or whether that's because of the profession whether it's because the ICF whether it's because of whatever is I don't fully know yet but I would say that's a problem that needs to be addressed if we as coaches who are seeing a pattern in front emerging in front of us can't name the pattern for fear that we are guiding or advising or direct nor do whenever you think in your head you're doing that's problematic so let's if it's okay dive into what I mean by transformational dialogue and and think about what what are the problems that we're seeing in the coaching profession that make this shift I think imperative at least within some quarters so Tracey no I just noticed you there and right so here's here's what I see too much of number one pulling by their rules you know then if you were who was at the summit I have interests yes I'd little conversation with somebody there who asked something some question I said why doing then it said because what you've been taught this it's the wrong reason to do it if that's why you're doing it it's the wrong reason to do it like you need to be behaving the way you're behaving and coaching because it's the most effective way to behave for the client and for the relationship not because it's what the rules say so number one is stop playing by the rules you know it's funny we have people who come to us and say but Nick I'm a little or wrong I'm a bit concerned as an unregulated profession let's celebrate that it's an unregulated profession it actually gives you the flexibility to be who you want to be the minute we start regulating coaching we're doomed because we can't be genuine with our client when we're playing by the rules of the regulation so number one is stop playing by the rules number two is caution and timidity in your coaching and by the way when I say you are I mean you live on is your coaching but so so take your as a philosophical your rather than specifically used like with me and like this this is like what I'm seeing as it's caution and timidity but if what if I do that and I upset them good let them get upset if there's something to be upset about it needs to be explored if it that sets them there's a reason it upsets them and that needs to be explored in coaching number three there's a lack of real honesty that goes on in coaching we're afraid to say what we really see what we really think what we really feel what's really going on between us or what's going on in the world we're afraid of being truly honest and naming what we're seeing number four there's a sense in which there's a desire for approval and acceptance in the coaching profession am i okay I see a by your rules am i okay and I'm asked by euros am i okay society by what you think coaching is lastly this is one that I find interesting is that we often try to manage the client towards our expectations there I flustered and we think they should get mindful when did mindfulness become such an important aspect of coaching maybe we have flustered is how they actually are and we need to accept that flustered has some quality that can add to the coaching not be got rid of so when we start tired to actually work with quite as they are as we want to be then we have the real person and a real relationship in front of us so that's what I'm saying is problematic and let me quickly whiz through our route today I want to talk to take a look at the change in context for coaching and I'm going to do this relatively quickly I want to take a look at how coaching I think might be moving into the future and why that makes transformational dialogue all the more important I want to talk about what it means to be human together and why that is relevant what does it mean to be human together because I think first and foremost that's what we need to be thinking about is how do we be human together not how to be coaching client together I want to take a look at what I mean by transformational dialogue and why do I call it dialogue and why is it transformation and why those two combined you know if you if you know me for any length of time you know that I don't use words lightly when I use words I I think them through so I don't just go transformational that sounds nice dialogue that's kind of warm now this is specific so I want to talk to you about why transformational dialogue and by the way if you're at the back and you're thinking what's that little tiny writing on the screen and we can make the slides available to you afterwards I'm not I'm not to have Precious about a slide so Zooey wherever you do yep we can figure a way to get the slides of the guys okay and I want to take a look at some influences and some precursors the you know the great thing about what I'm saying and happens saying for quite some time now is I'm not a lone voice I'm part of a movement within the coaching field which is shifting coaching from being what it is to what it might be but I'm not alone so I'm not some sort of you know in the desert shouting at the wind stop blowing no they said this is this is something that's happening and I want to take a look at some critical themes and qualities of transformation of dialogue so when you walk out of here today I'm not gonna be teaching transformational dialogue I'm going to teaching you to think about the themes within what I call transformation of dialogue you can then do with that what you want right you know I'm not trying to by the way this another little thing I just wanna say is I'm not trying to pin down some new movement like I want to be the next thinker let's create the transformation of dialogue that supplants gushed out therapy and Oh remember when Nick Bolton came along 2018 that for his powers might have been turning in his grave when Nick Bolton came along and shifted everything he ever thought no I don't care about my name I don't care what trance makes transmitter dialog I care about the qualities that it might evoke in your practice that's all so last little bit I want to put some tensions and crashes I have myself like eyes I think this through sometimes I think myself have I gone too far how is this bordering on X or how's it boring on Y I just want to share some of my own personal tensions that I have with this work and what that might mean to you so let's talk about a change in coaching context I will get you guys involved in a second not in some weird let's do some exercises and pretend it matters but just I want to I want to have little I want to have you thinking about what the future of coaching is in the context of coaching but I just want to share some initial thoughts about the who when I started as a coach coaching was predominantly a boardroom executive stroke workplace issue I happen to work within the public sector I did a lot of coaching with police officers on such work it doesn't really matter it was paid for by organizations and it tended to have a specific outcome focus that mattered to the organization much more so than the individual however over the last few years the the coaching well the shift didn't coaches come out of the boardroom and it's not become a part of a world of people facing the reality of life as it is today so what we saw was the the sort of political and social crises of 2008 and and less less named the the elephant in the political world Trump and brexit and all that kind of stuff made us feel like the world is changing in some way that was a little bit uncomfortable for us and what that's done is it's made all of us face what it means to be alive in this particular era I also challenge the idea that coaching was about the ideal the success story the next powerful step you know when people were losing their job left right and center was pretty hard we saying so tell me about your dream job so in 2008 things shifted because of the financial collapse and that's that was good for coaching and that it actually made us think about coaching as a human activity not a success activity we also see coaching being used increasingly on what I would call the relatively affluent parts of society let's not pretend the coaching is normalized rule I was interesting that's very odd law is on the case give it up for law if she succeeds if she doesn't how are we doing there law and mr Rodney is is this working okay still for you okay and so we also saw coaching working a bit being used in relatively affluent parts of society and I think we shouldn't be under any illusions that coaching is some massively used approach to change in all parts of society still use predominately in places where there's some level of money however we are beginning to see coaching used amongst disadvantaged groups through social impact schemes and social sector schemes so we'll begin to see that shift now finally we're also seeing more coaches uniquely developing their own way of practicing and you developing their own niches within coaching which is giving more specialist areas can I just take you guys can hear me relatively okay at the back good so what's the watt of coaching well one of these we've noticed is a shift towards and navigation of living in times of change times a complexity change times of opportunity quick show of hands who's heard that the VUCA or sometimes VUCA acronym like that never had a vodka bouquet yes yes I know bouquet because Knicks from Cornwall that's what it is he can't speak properly so it's so good I'm sure of hansgame vuco vuco cool I find that so annoying because it's predicated upon the idea that everything's problematic is volatile order it's uncertain on my cousin this may stress it's complex or how do I get my head or a night is ambiguous or how do I decide hold on it's also full of opportunity it's like why you guys here this evening because we live in a time when you can actually decide how you want your life to look so this idea that vaca VOCA is is the predominant theme we're dealing with I don't buy I think we're also dealing with people going like wow really I can do this with my life I just wanna get clear on what it is so that's one thing is I think coaching shifting towards navigation through your life and I think it's also facing all aspects of life I did this little bullet point purely philippi I couldn't I couldn't bring myself to you eyeshadow Libby I'm afraid but I did put light and dark for you so I think one of things we can say is that is coaching's absolutely tackling all aspects of life light and dark and in fact I don't think in genuinely coach somebody if you're not willing to go where the darkness is the pain is that problems are that the difficulties are you know sometimes I think the first thing we need to do is name what's real that's making life uncomfortable if we can name what's real then we have more motivation desire for change and if we just go like wow might in a floatie world over there that looks so good and next up I think coaching is predominately being used now for personal self management and emotional intelligence within the workplace more and more I think coaching is shifting towards that concept it's also a space for reflection across life as it unfolds but which I mean is no longer only go focused more and more coaching is about a lifelong for how long you want to have an effective relationship with your coach for or your client for coaching doesn't have to be six sessions life unfolds over less over more than six seconds believe me actually who here is older than six sessions old life unfolds continuously and the idea that somehow coaching should be about a particular period of time to focus on a particular outcome I think has had its day life is unfolding all the time and a coach can be an effective part of that if and only if the relationship still feels and acts as a change agent the minute it becomes a comfortable zone you know no longer coaching or doing something else which is fine by itself by the way you could be you become a a friend agent I don't know but coaching is coaching and and dialogic so next up is the how first of all of there we've seen more and more and more therapeutic influences coming into coaching over the last 15 years I would say there's not a single school of therapy that doesn't find a place in coaching anymore it used to be that you had to wait a good 10 15 20 years for the therapeutic approaches to enter coaching now it's like wanna pop over here and it's popping up over here we're seeing the the advances in therapeutic approaches showing up in coaching very very quickly similarly we are seeing more and more management influences so different management models different management styles and different ways to think about leadership and management are showing up in coaching and always have done because that was some of coaching's biggest roots a big one is the integration of practices you know more and more we're seeing the coaches aren't just coaches they are integrating whatever is they bring to their experience of working with the client whatever that might be I'm looking at Kevin here because all sorts of stuff I can never get my head around permaculture had give me three words that describe your way of working Kevin I kind of got my head around that one nowadays which is good ecosystem design an idea and that's fabulous heaven will be unique as a coach I love that I think coaching needs to be integrative of who you are as a person and all the practices you bring together not just one way of coaching and lastly multiplicity of schools of thoughts models frame it's literally everything is like a hot spot I often describe coaching coaches has been like Magpies we don't really care where the thing comes from we don't care this true we just care what is of service to the client in front of us so here's what I got you thinking I've talked about the the wefts what rather what I've talked about the who and the whatever how now let's think that the why let's think about the why this is what I'm really really curious by is some maybe three years ago somebody said Nick is coaching a fad some of you in a quick show of hands who's heard me address this question of why coaching why now in a Discovery Day introduction of transformational coaches some context we've had a chat about why coaching why now not a lot great so I want you to turn to your neighbor think about this question why has coaching taken root in now what is it about the 21st century that means coaching is finding the right soil to grow in because believe me when coaching first was invented in 1940 and it was called personal construct theory it didn't find a place to land because this society wasn't ready for it the way we thought about people wasn't ready for it the way we thought about change weren't ready for it the way we thought about it the future wasn't ready for it so what do you think is happening right now 21st century that means that coaching has found its feet in a place where it's not the predominant way to think about human change have a chat with your neighbor three minutes I'll check in with you Evelina's enter the room just felt like saying that too embarrassed oh really and so what are your thoughts what comes up for you as you think about why coaching is taking root yes I think there's a reduction in and shame of going to oh it's like auction before to go wash your hands yes yeah yeah hey the awareness that they capitalism is not the key of happiness huh they need to point in some sense so you know one of these are fine with with this conversation is first of all it really takes us up to a high chunk of what is coaching respond to which i think is so important that's the work in your club and secondly it's how we respond to that crashing is so often a reflection of our own paradigm so we you know the wall just is the world our response to it is exactly what transformation of dialogue is about which is what is the filter that we've wrapped around ourselves that makes the world look like the way the world looks to us so if we say oh it's information overload no it's just information whether we receive it's overload as opportunity becomes a reflection of our paradigm so I always love to hear your views because it's both twofold giving me some great stuff that you all thinking about but also let's think about how you're thinking about to let me share the ones that I think is important first of all the the fluidity of meaning has become the norm but which I mean the 20th century was the century in which we started crafting the idea of fixed meaning and fixed concepts so social constructionism post-modernism all that sort of stuff made us think philosophically about uncertainty that has filtered down to what you might think was popular society or popular way of thinking and uncertainty is now the norm we just accept that things have multiple meanings and their things mean things different to me than they mean to you that's just the way we think now so when I forgotten who said it was a gergan was it Gogan somebody said I think so I relate therefore I am in a sense we now start to get what that means even if we don't know his work or we don't know social constructionism we understand the meaning is constructed between us not somehow a plot from a tree of meaning so I think number one is that meaning is the fluidity meaning is now the norm not the aberration number two the rise in the personal agency you know the 20th century was a time when personal agency wasn't really accepted we had the psychodynamic school we had behaviors school these schools they said our behaviors were governed by things we weren't in control of then the humanistic movement came out of the 1950s and 60s and coaching is absent lutely the zenith zenith of the thinking about personal agency and freedom of choice now whether that's true almost doesn't matter like there will be people in this room game from neuroscience is showing us Nick but free will is an illusion great I don't care people feel they've got free will and they're responding to the feeling of free will even if they don't have it number three is social acceptance of diversity by which I mean now the idea of being chosen jobs that don't fit your social background or whatever it might be just we don't think anything anymore at least a lot of people just don't think anymore about how somebody shows up in life so that social diversities become much more freeing for us as individuals affluence is leading to think of Maslow's hierarchy of coaching as self-actualization no no you know Maslow was talking about stuff I love belonging as well now they're not necessary self-actualization they're just wanting to be a a richly experienced human being and having a partner or having a context in which you belong is part of that but it's the higher needs it's not accommodation it's not food it's the stuff that makes us feel more human and then there's the end of knowledge monopoly so they you know when you guys get a little bit of a sore tummy or whatever it might be you don't go to the GP you check Google mr Google or miss mrs Google for the answer so I think you know I think the end of knowledge monopoly is a critical thing to how we think about knowledge then dialogue is a solution has become the norm we think of we think of talking as a way to deal with stuff now so you know whether it was with psychotherapy or whether it was with counseling we now accept that the idea of dialogue is an important part of any given approach to solution emotional well-being is becoming top of people's priority and finally the rise of technology as having personally impact there are many ways that has personal impact we just think about how Facebook for instance has shifted your perception of yourself or your friends or society or whatever it might be for good or bad it's so funny how often I hear people say our Facebook makes us all when it would be perfect actually I often find Facebook people share the vulnerabilities on Facebook so it's interesting how we see things like Facebook and what that says our paradigm more than Facebook itself either way we are seeing that a big impact of personal technology on how we think of ourselves now guys I am just that time is flying by like I was thinking how am I gonna fill up an hour about 13 minutes to go and 13 hours of content so what's your preference do you wanna stay here till about 5:00 in the morning and then we talk about coaching the future very briefly first of all I think there's gonna be a greater focus on spiritual intelligence emerging from coaching as in as in what is our meaning in life what is that what is our purpose here it doesn't have to be spiritual in the sense of religion or faith or truth or whatever it might be but somehow beyond beyond the transaction of doing life next I think there's a shift to meaning making over goal achievement this is already happening by the way but we're going to see more and more of this shift towards meaning making rather than goal achievement in coaching and by the way I still hear a lot of coaches who would say there are meaning-making coaches for very rapidly into what would you do about this which are fundamentally is goal achievement its behavioral change coaching which is fine I've got no problem with it but I notice how quickly people falter because it feels safer and it feels more rewarding next up is from IQ two week you this is the phrase I heard from a guy called Peter Hawkins one of the founders of supervision and Peter Fox led the idea that society today is not just how do you do you but how do you do us how did you collaborate how do you work together and I think coach is going to become fundamental to the week you generation oh that's a nice phrase week you generation record it Rob you heard it here first and then I think that the the increase of artificial intelligence of Robotics is going to change things for good like so many of you are in jobs that can be replaced very soon thank goodness your training as coaches because that won't be replaced by AI but a lot of jobs are going to go because of artificial intelligence of robots and that's going to lead to us needing to think about what is uniquely human what can't they robot do what can't artificial intelligence do I'll tell you what they can't do absolutely categorically is no single task it's being human like anything you can point to a task can be and will be done by AI or robots but being human is the one thing they can't do because intrinsically being human is not AI or robots right so literally they can't do that one thing we can say that categorically so then the question is what does it mean to be human and finally is this one is whisper development will become the mainstream and somebody said earlier it was but said there's no stigma attached to the idea of developing a cell for absolutely personal development having mainstream so this is the contact that's changing so that leaves me this kind of thought which is that what's left for human beings is being human and when that happens the role of the coach will be to find new routes into meaning making what is my life worth when I'm not measuring it by the job I do what is my life worth when it's not about the salary I own and by the way of course this is happening already but coaching has to respond to the increasing pressure to find meaning in a world in which work is not going to be your predominant source of meaning making or if it is you have to figure out how you can part something that's not about delivering tasks because that would be AI robots trust me 20 years you'll be saying Nick was right damn him because I stuck with my job so listen about being human together which is really the the the the the foundation of the transformational dialog is being human together let's talk about that very briefly first of all first and foremost we are humans we are not a coach we are not a therapist we are not a counselor we are not a mentor we are not a public speaker we are not a manager we are not a leader we are absolutely categorically first and foremost the human being and so is the person in front of you and transformational dialogue to give you the the the punch line of this whole talk is they're responding to what it means for two human beings to be in a space together without being confined to the role they play for each other so we can anything about the existential relational approach which gained a little bit technical on you for a second I would say that's probably the the the the fundamental theoretical framework wouldn't draw upon for transformational dialogue is that existential relational approaches recognize that first and foremost are two organic beings being together and that what happens to those organic beings is saying something about what's being discussed and explored and surfaced and enacted and so on and so on and so on in that space between these people and the more we tune into what's happening right here between us the more we tune into the reality this year on reality two human beings began dialogue not what's happening over there what's happening here what does this mean to us and how do we surface the many of this as it relates to that stuff next up I think positive regard is it will continue to be a fundamental plank of how we think about each other but you'll notice I've dropped off a word anyone notice the word unconditional positive regard I'm not convinced like I'm not but I'm not gonna say it is rubbish drop it I just want to do this slide I was like I really believe that don't really believe in unconditional positive regard I don't know I'm not even gonna try to answer in front of you all I know is I felt a liar when I typed it on this slide so I got rid of it you can have it if you want if you don't have unconditional positive regard you take it I want it but the point is we do need positive regard now here's the thing that most people don't realize how unconditional or conditional positive regard really means they don't really understand it because if they did understand that there was stop worrying about how their being with this person because to truly regard somebody positively is to trust their resilience just trust the idea they're not going to collapse under the weight of your wisdom and your advice you know when we start to really trust that this person is going to walk out of the coaching session steal themselves I'm not girl oh my god I've gotta be so much more like Nick when we start to realize that they are the best version themselves inside somewhere and that they can access it then we have real positive regard rather than like oh if I hedge how I ask that question I won't upset them too much by the way if you're worried about upsetting them too much guess what you're doing you're judging them so the idea that we are not judgemental and then we worry about what question might upset them is ludicrous right because they're already judging what they're capable of handling or if I surface this this discomfort or this pain is that going to leave them really upset afterwards who cares it's there already let's have a discussion about it you think of that Nick see so callous yes I am next up I was let's acknowledge the fragility of human beings you know I think if we start to acknowledge the fragility of us as well as them then my advice is as for tears they're thinking that my feelings are as false as their feelings that I am a just as fragile just as vulnerable to be mistaken as they are then we can start don't you value what we really have which is our authentic feeling not some truth that we after this shy away from I can't tell the truth because that's too strong for them no it's your truth when you start to realize your truth is just a fragile representation of your own model of the world then you start to really being relationship with somebody when you think you've got the truth you haven't got the truth that makes sense your truth is only a fragile version of your meaning-making which is just as open to being wrong as theirs I remember somebody say to me once Nick but if you know what they need to do why won't you tell them I said you don't know yeah yeah but if you know what I need to do right but you don't know no you know but there are times when you really know what they need you don't know until you truly embody radical unknowing you're not really coaching you're certainly untrue dialogue and lastly a real belief in their capacity and resilience I think that's critical to really believe in their resilience as a human being to not try to rescue them to not try to sort out their problems because it's gonna give you self-worth or them self-worth trust that they are resilient that by the way they've lived long before they came to see you because if they're paying you they're at least over 18 and they've got job so they've made it to that point somehow I'm sure you're not going to break them so let's think about what is transformation of dialog as a response put that let's get there let's get to the final five minutes now don't worry I'm not going to do in five minutes don't worry they're just a transformational dialogue this is my definition and it's a super-duper working definition like I've just created it for you guys tonight it's not something I've been thinking about for years it's just something I've been kind of I put together I've got this now I've got this I just turn it off I turn it back on and it works you see how quick I learn I'm okay I'm like a learning machine on the frontier and so here's my definition transformational dialogue is an authentic whole person conversation in which personal and systemic paradigms are explored the possibilities of change and new construal or new construe that's my current definition as I figured it out yesterday for you guys doesn't mean I'm made up out of the blue it's been sort of hovering there unnamed unwritten like like like God's law before the Ten Commandments just that moment before Ten Commandments existed that's what this is so let me explore a little bit further first of all authentic if I mean by authentic I mean truly tapping into the space though you over them as it really is in that space non gamed how many coaches game they're coaching they question themselves because if I do this would this happen at gaming it what I mean by gaming it let me quick what I mean by gaming I don't want to throw it's what I mean by that I really mean transactional analysis which is that the game of TA is that there's a dialogue or there's a transaction that takes place according to a set of rules understood by both parties so that both parties get their winning goal at the end remember that from from your transactions module yeah so so it's non gamed it's authentic I'm not playing the game of being a coach I'm not trying to figure out how do I look like a coach in front this person I'm being me and if that doesn't look like a coach I'm good with that because I'm me and they'll begin to deny that part of me that's me because it's me it's unquestionably me that's authentic the men you can say I'm authentic giving me such a noble incrementally meanness of the me you're good got it next up is the whole person by which I mean you're looking at the whole system of you your thoughts your feelings your sensations everything that makes you who you are or all levels now we use the Torah at the head the heart the spirit on the body of coaching I honestly can't say spirit with it with it with a honest face because it's not who I am so I'm gonna say the heads the heart and the body of coaching you guys can have spirit of you on it it doesn't work for me the idea of spirit I don't believe in transpersonal Stowe is just not who I am it doesn't mean you can't but when I talk about the whole body so the whole person of coaching I mean everything that's part of you your head your body your somatic experience everything the relational experience everything is whole person coaching's that's happened to the whole system next up is a conversation it's not a process now you guys are familiar with this because Animas teaches coaching as a conversation first and foremost nonetheless I would say in fact I urge you to check in with yourselves do you find yourself following a model at some point do you find yourself falling a process by guys I'm sorry I'm totally just gonna wave at you because you can't see me at all so hello and do you find yourself I'm gonna just just to be nice I'm gonna come over here without I'm worried about this going off and do you find yourself following a process in some way and if you find yourself following a process are you really in conversation or are you in your head doing something so I think the number so the compensate is critical next up is personal paradigm then we talk about personal paradigm one of my favorite term articles of all time as I mean who says that favorite article of all claim but anyway one of my favorite articles of all time at which is probably like two is that by cult Cora vera who wrote an article called the psychology of worldviews and he talks about every paradigm is fundamentally made up of three belief systems the existential beliefs which are how how does it how is the world working what's your ontological belief what's the what's the nature of what's the nature of microphones that makes them go off and on and off and on and that's what I can say about oh no I think it's gone for good this thing hello hello hello gone for good so and existential beliefs are is really gone isn't it okay existential beliefs is the world actually work what's what what is the the nature of the world as it is in a very true sense ie gravity exists God exists God doesn't exist these things that we say factually these are my beliefs about how the world is how the universe is what's the nature of the physical world we inhabit the nature of spirit all these sort of stuff next time is evaluative beliefs which is based on my experience of the world what have I figured out to be true this is good that's bad nine tons of values but let's say eating eating protein is like eating a high-protein diet it's a good thing to do for my health that's not a valid of belief compared to our values belief which is the prescriptive them and the proscriptive this is where the shoulds live I should do this you should do this I shouldn't do this you shouldn't do this that's the prescriptive and the prescriptive values fundamentally all beliefs can be somehow aligned into either existential evaluative and prescriptive and prescriptive beliefs what that means is where the beliefs line that becomes your personal paradigm that shapes your experience of the world as it unfolds in front of you in other words depending on let's give you an example to make this a little bit less abstract if you say everything happens for a reason I mean a little little show of hands who believes that everything happens for a reason well come on and now there's more of you coaches always say that everything happens for a reason if that's true then it's an existential belief and if that's really a belief and something bad happens to you you should be happy it's happened for a reason but often we're not were challenged by the very existential belief that we think we hold then the question is do we really hold it or do we hold it because it's sounds good or because it is part of our systemic identity which I'll go into shortly either way that's an example is everything happens for a reason is an existential belief so next up is systemic paradigms what I mean by systemic paradigms is we're all part of a nested system that has within it a paradigm of relative existential and prescriptive and prescriptive beliefs so it here's you now some of you aren't from Animus who who's totally nothing to do that you student of animus you're irrelevant like okay you no idea who we are you just like your hair you thought we were an NHS meeting you're waiting to hear about oncology or something like that no you're here with us animus so except for you guys most of your part of animals I'm going to use you as an example here you are you're there you have a set of beliefs existential prescriptive prescriptive and evaluative then you're part of the Animus world and animus how they said to police which rexis tential blah blah blah you adopt some of those you become common in terms of how you commonly hold some of those beliefs and there's an animus way of thinking about coaching that becomes part of your system then there's coaching as a whole analysis part of the coaching role there are things that we believe that also the ICF believe when general coaches believe then there is the helping professions the coaching world has partly hoped professions it's like a therapy and counseling and mentoring and blah blah blah blah blah they are in turn part of the working population they in turn a part of the UK population they in turn a part of the Western population they in turn a part of humanity those are what's called nested systems and each of those nested elements will have its own set of paradigms that you will either adopt or in some way respond to and of course the further out you get from this centerpiece the more there'll be difference and what's really interesting is how strong your beliefs get the further out you go so if I were to say to you and this is not to be on record that was just so if I were to say – um I think Trump is an immensely amazing president like literally probably best president the US has had in the last since ah since probably the revolution now I'm guessing from that silence and the lack of rising applause do you disagree with me what's interesting is if we had that conversation over a cup of coffee you would be very mentally opposing me what's interesting is the further out we get from our actual core experience have been alive the stronger our beliefs get is really surreal we can argue third F about beliefs that liar here even though there are least likely to be held in common rights I sense that the least likely to be held in common and yet we expect would hold them in common let's sink in for a second we argue most about where we have the least probability of actually agreeing it's not old now of course what's happening now is your internal paradigm your your systemic paradigm on your personal paradigm I've been challenged to the ultimate level of existential vanity of prescriptive prescriptive beliefs and that's what you're responding to so what's this all going to do with authentic Sr with transformational dialogue well finally we're looking to open up that paradigm to possible change or new construal I use that word construed very very advisedly or very very deliberately let's say because it came from the work of George Kelly who wrote personal construct theory I know I'm familiar with a PCT personal construct theories do do read a it's wonderful he talks about the idea that the role of the of the personal construct therapist is to help somebody reconstruct or situation I think that's what we're all about as coaches is reconstructing confirm re understanding and reconfiguring a situation such that it changes in front of us and that could be through behaviors it could be through thinking it could be through feeling it could be through mindful self management all that kind of stuff either way there's a new construction that comes out so I'm going to stop for a second and just see if there are any questions arising at the moment before I move into influences precursors and then the qualities and and critical issues within TD are they called TD you like that so crashes at the moment yes yeah of course not let's get the complexity of it next slide please so let's think about the inferences and precursors to this because I said at the start we're absolutely not alone and think about transformational dialogue and the classic lies existential theory I'm not going to go into these we just simply don't have time but I just wanna put them on your radar to explore should you want to existential theory would say hot Nick Bolton I've been talking about this for the last 200 years so existential interesting and random bullet points is another influence and precursor so personal construct theory is huge as a precursor to this it's my precursor I would say when I first read George Kelly I was like wow not only do I think this is already coaching or wors coaching but it shifted my perception of how coach how far coaching could go next up your stat practices you know so much a gestalt is about the field of influence between organic beings it's very organic related practice just to be organic with you guys and you know you start is about organic presence and organic being has been affected by each other narrative collaborative practices are huge hugely impactful so the work Reinhardt's Delta the work of Michael White with narrative therapy all the stuff that Rob has talked about as well that stuff is huge and how is that think about coaching moving forward and then worldview psychology so check out cult guevara specifically david bohm on dialogue is a wonderful book think to think about as a precursor to what I'm about to say Kolka roverís I called your worldviews right now stelzer third generation coaching was a wonderful book that came out in 2003 quite early I think 2000 maybe and then Hattie Isaac's new book the future of coaching which introduces new generation coaching so what I'm saying is not entirely new but I hope I'll give it a bit of a fresh slant now and don't forget we will get the bullet points to you so quality is a translational dialogue so number one authentic and non games I won't go further into this I have to mention this quite a lot already but it's really about being honest with yourself about what's going on for you what is what's the what's the drive in your head and where's that coming from you know what is the compulsion or what's the question or what's the strategic choice you're making etc said to be honest with what's driving you is it is that a need to be to satisfy something inside yourself is a compulsion or is it genuinely dialogic is it genuinely relational so be authentic and non gamed collaborative is a very collaborative practice by which I mean everything is up for grabs by both parties we are not trying to imagine if one of these I see so much of is the coach managing the process the coach managing the behaviors the coach managing the client instead of collaborating with our client instead of saying where are we are we on the same page what next step does this feel it does this feel like it's working where are we together what's the next move so I hear people say things like him I've come to the end of my sessions I'm not sure whether I should renew my contract of this client or would it make them reliant on me it's not you ought to decide that's a relationship question so collaboration takes the weight off your shoulders I mean one thing I say is that when you become truly collaborative there's no responsibility left other than the responsibility being authentic because then everything's a collaborative choice they make the choice as much as you do yeah that's another set on that next up is surfacing the paradigm drivers by which I mean the coal crow existential evaluative prescriptive and prescriptive beliefs the key to why it's transformational is that it's deliberately and purposefully surfacing the paradigm beliefs that are impacting the thing that's been brought to you make sense so somebody's bringing some to you they want to pay rise I mean nobody's ever bring that achieve unless they want it they want to they want a next career great what's the paradigm that's making them country what's the paradigm that makes that problematic but it's not just happening what is there what's the thing that makes a relationship with you an important constituent part of the success of getting a new career because why not just go and do it what doesn't get a new career there's something is happening that makes you a part of that journey what is the paradigm that makes that important it's got to be provocative and uncomfortable I believe by the way you might disagree that's fine but I believe that transformational dialogue and its heart is uncomfortable it's it's it's challenging it's provocative it's making you go places you know what you don't want to go you know some some of you know the story of hours to coaching somebody and I said if I were to take a contract out in your life such that in a month's time you haven't made progress on this issue what what do you do and she said I would do my nails and I said whoa I didn't say like that quite like that but was like whoa I said that contract killer is still coming for you what do you mean do you know and she said Nick I've realized I've got to look after myself now for me they were searching meant to shift in the coaching because this coach has started by building a business and all the way through we could see there was something underneath there was problematic for that but she wasn't facing the truth of it and when I got a contract killer in the picture it suddenly changed things because you can't say I'm going to do my nails I still say matters to you when you're badly shot dead in a month right and you would you agree with that I'll do my nails first and then I'll do my marketing so the song you know when you're provocative you can really bring the extreme of somebody's feelings and going along with along along with that has been playful and irreverent I think coaching so serious sometimes we sit there with our crossed legs and you know we have our arms crossed because I listen intently and and if we feel I'm guessing a laugh because you're going like yeah that's me and we have a piece of paper because we need to take all the notes down about their life so we can come back to it later on and replay it to them be playful be regretful of your face like no I don't do that good so be playful be irreverent you're creating a space of playful dialogue so that you can start to challenge the client to really think outside their normal patterns of behavior at the same time it's compassionately courageous you're being courageous on behalf of the client you're you are putting yourself at risk of being judged you're putting yourself at risk of getting it wrong you're putting yourself at risk of upsetting somebody or breaking the rules on behalf of the client because you care about them that's compassionate courage now it's really funny this said this at the start it was a Charlie was it you said this about drawing out the patterns yeah it's absolutely what I would encourage you to do towards transformation of dialog which is moved towards practice the more you move away from detailed patterns the more you start to surface the paradigm because the pattern reveals a bigger act at play than just the detail so start to draw out the patterns now here's a really one I found very very important for me over the years is everything has value every single thing has value and you are first and foremost a coach not a businessperson one of things I see a lot is when somebody has a business issue within coaching the first thing they do is they go to the business component of that so they say oh my client hasn't done this what should I do because it's in the contract well how about think about it this way your client hasn't done something that's contractual what does that say about their paradigm what if you were to use the fact they'd broken your contract not paid you not turned up on time not whatever as material as grist for the mill of the coaching work you're doing now if they're not showing up and of course you have to figure out how you get the money off them or how you end the contract or whatever you decide to do but we too quickly go to the working part of the coaching relationship rather than recognizing that everything has value many of you are know the story that when I was coaching a lady some years ago and it's still on the Animus connect site we can listen to it I was coaching lady with Gale and as I coached her she was constantly typing tag tag type type type type type type type type type type type because we were coaching by Skype and one of my students was listening to the session I said Nick if I were coaching her I'd ask her to close her computer and be fully present or number one if she closed the computer Skype would go off but more importantly what would I miss about how she sees life if I were to stop her typing what is that typing mean to her what was she trying to achieve by typing non-stop as it was we surfaced the fact that in a way and by the way that the journey she was on with me was not being more present in life uh-huh right so if I had managed her presence what she'd have learned about herself nothing other than Nick manages my presence but instead I'm able to go like what is this constant typing say about your desire or your journey towards great the presence and what is that constant typing about as it was it was about tried to capture all the information she could glean from our conversation such that she could then think about it again and then think about how she might do some actions based on it the more we started a surface the the meaning of that typing the more she's able to see her paradigm that was at play make sense her paradigm being one of trying to find certainty in an essentially uncertain world and how that certainty was stopping a big present in what is mainly a state of uncertainty so when she was faced she had an autistic son who when he was in the shower would often go sort of not she shoes I think I think she used the word kicked-off she didn't know when those can happen so she was facing uncertainty is he gonna kickoff is he not and if he does how'd I manage it so she was trying to find certainty in an essentially uncertain context and that was stopping are going to presence so those are some of the the kind of the qualities that I would expect to see now I want to drive a little bit further into into some of the critical themes that I think will emerge for this from you if you start to play with this in your own practice number one is is discussing what is versus what might be I think too often coaches err on the side of what might be as in what a thing you want to achieve what's over there rather most real for you right now what's absolutely present that same client who who had it was being coached on on growing her business the fundamental question at heart was her authentic and honest relationship with her husband nothing to do a business now had we not named the reality of that we would have worked on some spurious goal of creating a business that was really just a plaster over the crack of the lack of honesty in a relationship by naming what really is happening rather than what you want to be you get to the truth of the current situation somebody I have talked about that earlier about naming the elephant in the room it was that was that you as well Charlie no somebody mentioned elephants in the room who was that she's in denial she doesn't admit it and next up is is working with the here and now although then they're there and then and I think increasingly when we start to work with trance make sure dialogue we work when we're working on the here and now what's happening here what does how you're showing up here say about what's over there too often what's happening here is nothing more than a dialogue about what's happening there I think we need to tune in more to this the typing is a hearing now experience which we can then think about how does that typing relate to that which is that there and then then there's inquiry versus resolution again I think coaching focuses heavily on resolution ie what's the change you want to make and how do we help you make it increasingly as we move into this new era we've talked about meaning making coaching as an unfolding journey we're going to explore a state of inquiry rather than resolution resolution will come trusts like if you truly trust Col Rogers words about self-actualization then inquiry will be intrinsic and almost inevitable part of the resolution but if we think we have to get to resolution and deep down there's a grain of Darrent for you about that about self-actualization deep down I remember once I said we were taught it self actualization and I said the you know classic if we talk about self actualization being an acorn will grow into an oak tree every time what does it need so is safety what doesn't need they say light oxygen water soil specially the right conditions and then somebody said which made me laugh so much girl I left inside so much I was very polite on the outside but they said somebody to water it and I think I'm sure acorns existed before gardeners I'm sure oak trees managed somehow for gardeners came along so it's interesting how often we think that it needs somebody to water it well actually inquiry is about enabling the person to water themselves in the long run rather thinking only about resolution I think understanding versus planning which is goes akin to inquiry versus resolution which is I think the ultimate aim of transmission of dialogue it's help somebody true understand their paradigm at a deeper level such that the ripples have changed it comfortably much broader than simply planning a particular change event whether start a business or with us get a relationship or whether it's gay career that's a change event that requires planning inquiry and understanding is about understanding the paradigm that's pushing you through life in some way or another emergence versus determination is another we might call it tension or a paradox within this which is I think as transformational dialogue dialogue ditions horrible horrible name apologies for that but a transformational dial auditions we're focused on emergence and determination by which I mean determination is what I want to achieve and notice is what's coming out what's emerging from the conversation I had no idea my come from this conversation that emergence determination or determinism is this is what I want to achieve here's I'm going to achieve it both have a role to play but I think transformation of dialogue will will err on the side of emergence of it over determinism so next up curiosity versus presence this is some having playing with a little bit recently and I talked to a group recently about this Sam Marcus and Emily you were there I'm not sure you totally bought my argument but I don't care which was that I think curiosity is something that as coaches were often encouraged to have yes I agree with that but I think the proper curiosity is it's being driven by what we're interested in we're too often a curious and then drive the conversation down what are we curious about rather than think about what's the client curious about presence is creating the space for a client to reveal where their trajectory takes them curiosity is about where do we want them to go based on what's interesting us because every time you ask a question you direct the conversation every time you ask a question or you are pushing the change process pushing the transformation pushing pushing the dialogue in a way that you interest you when we're present we're allowing more time for the client to reveal what's interesting them and I think we need to do more of that allow them to talk more because in that talking will come the stuff that's really driving them there here's another one which I've been playing with recent which is questioning with instead of questioning of I think again as coaches we're often questioning old what you can mean I'm going to throw this to you what do I mean by questioning of yes okay great thanks Ron anything else so here's what I mean by it is that when we're questioning of is the classic coaching approach that you have the answer my job to question you and I'm going to draw our to this person the answer they have inside themselves classic coaching perfectly valid perfectly good way to work when I'm questioning with I'm crashing alongside and looking at a thing together and saying what is what is this thing that we're struggling with I'm not saying hey client tell me the answer hey you've got the answer some of you know like the classic if you did have the answer what would it be like that classic annoying coaching question the coaches ask it's because it's because we're always pushing the responsibility to the client we're not in that I log with them we are interrogation with them hey my tail you have the answer my job to get it out of you what if that wasn't the case what if the answer exists somewhere here and that together we are in dialogue to explore that might be that's questioning with the client versus questioning of the client I think when we think about transformational dialogue we're talking with the client then there's the self on the other and what I mean by that is where's our focus of attention I think often our focus of attention is almost too much on the client it sounds weird to say doesn't it as a coach I think it's too much on the client we're listening for everything the clients doing saying blah blah blah not noticing what's going on for us I think the the continuum that we need to work across is an awareness of ourselves as a being and that person as a being this is the thing about two human beings being a dialogue is that this stuff happened for me I need to be aware of that cause versus effect as a transformational dialogue practitioner I'm interested in what's causing stuff being coaching we say like I don't care about the Y I don't care about the way I just care about the how you gonna change okay but what if that Y holds the answer to many other things what if that wire has many ripples in it and by only focusing on the individual change process we missed the bigger paradigm that's causing this in the first place so I am curious about the why that doesn't mean unless Oh going back to a therapeutic approach to the the root calls in history on childhood but I'm interested in the paradigm why what is the paradigm there's a play here and they finally past present and future again I want to be a little bit challenging to coaches because I think coaches too often focus on the future that what might be there were a kind of stop looking at you can you keep shaking your head like no I don't do that Nick I'm with you all the way I think too often we look at the future and we forget a the present as in what's happening right here and what's happening out there but also we forget what's back there I think the past has relevance for any of you who have done I've watched my talk called the temporal self you'll know that I'm interested in what somebody's relationship is with time and how they position themselves against time past present future what's the big driver in their life and what causing that as clear driver hi guys I'm on to the the final slide now because I am conscious of time and I'm gonna do some reflections with you get some questions I just wanna talk about through some tensions and crashes that I personally have ones that worry me sometimes about where I'm heading so number one is thus transformational dialogue stray too far from coaching roots I don't know by the way I'm not intending to answer this right now with you these equations aren't being authentic about sharing with you I worry sometimes I even said it to Marcus and Emily that's a training session a few weeks ago I said sometimes I forget that really basic coaching can be very powerful like helping somebody set a SMART goal can be transformational in its own right now often when you've been doing it for a long time you kind of edge away from those practices because they you sort of grow through them and B they get a little bit boring after a while let's be honest so is this just me finding a new way to practice there's actually not that good I don't know I don't know I'm being very honest is showing with you that I don't know but I'm I love the way I practice I think my clients love to our practice has it straight too far from coaching maybe that's why I said at the very start you might say this is rubbish this isn't relevant it's not true it's not well thought through you might be right and you are right for you next up is what is the relationship between transformational dialogue and psychotherapy I don't have an answer for that yet and what I do feel is and I've often use a sexist example if we think about somebody on the edge of suicide we know they need to be seeing a therapist or counselor or something like that or probably in clinical you know clinical care if we go outside lots to grow the business by a thousand percent we know coaching is the right place not a therapist but it's when we move in the middle section we get this grey zone that it feels a little bit like most like two magnets coming together and sort of a sense of energy that pushes them I don't know what the answer is what I do know is that many of the clients I see could definitely see a psychotherapist and get great value and they could definitely see me and Rick value I'm not too worried about that but I am conscious there's a school we need to be careful about saying the boundaries don't matter I would say that psychotherapy is only 150 years old less probably much less we think about safe I mean obviously it existed before Freud but Freud in his most difficult significant work 1900 onwards and yet we put so much we put so much weight on it as an authority but what if what if it doesn't have that weight of authority motor coaching really and dialogue really is the next evolution of that I don't know the only reason we so often go back to psychotherapy counseling is because a we like to honor the past and be were scared of being sued and next up is Wendy focus on behaviors and when she folks on paradigms like I know as an individual that I often change best by being in motion and in practice so many years ago somebody said to me Nick how did you overcome the limiting beliefs in order to start your business so it didn't I just ignored them and that was absolutely true because the point is when you chant create something in the world that means that the beliefs you held can't be held anymore that's the best way to lose those beliefs so and that often comes from behaviors not from paradigm exploration so I have a bit of a tension between am i strange so far from behavioral change that we just end up looking at our navels forever I don't know the best way to kind of figure that out is to be in a collaborative space that says is there change happening where are you noticing change happening if it's not get off your ass and do something like I think in the end that's gonna be you know that the collaborative answer is is there something shifting for you and I think that's a lot but yeah so the last one is what are the ethics at the boundary edges you know when when does it when does it feel like we're stepping outside our competence zone we're in dialogue it's all good Kevin we're in dialogue but then the person goes and divorces their wife leaves their kids does all this stuff and then regrets it taking it later like what is the what is that what's our responsibility with this work these are these I don't have answers I have questions about this because I recognize that the more I play in transformation of dialogue the more I dive in through the deepest parts of somebody's life and that's that that carries responsibility like my shoulders need to be as broad as my arms are wide like this because in a way that's you're part of that change for the person so guys that's what I have got to say this evening about transformational transmission dialogue

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